Archive for the ‘values and morals’ Category

Coaching Issues

Monday, March 29th, 2010

Try This At Home…………………….

Evaluate your child’s coach.  Have your child write down three things he likes about his coach and three things he doesn’t like. If necessary, have him elaborate on his answers.  Next, you rate his coaches on a scale of 1-5, with 5 being the highest, in the following categories.  Values and morals, communication skills, positive attitude, language choices, fairness, ability to teach and promote teamwork, sportsmanship, ability to physically prepare the kids, ability to motivate, compatibility with your child.  If your child is old enough to understand, he can rate his coach as well.  Don’t share your answers until you are both finished.  If your child’s answers, or any of your ratings, are alarming, it may be time to make a change.

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We all put great thought into which daycare or babysitter we leave our young child with.  We want to make sure our child is safe and happy and that the morals and values of the caregiver are similar to ours.  We need to put just as much thought into who is coaching our child.  Coaches do more than assign kid’s positions on the field, run drills, and help get your child physically ready for the demand of his sport.  A coach is in the position to instill values and morals in your child, and set examples in areas like teamwork, sportsmanship and work ethic.  The odds are your child will look up to his coach and will emulate him or her. 

At all the national events throughout my entire cycling career, one of the ever present coaches was a hot headed, offensive coach who displayed all sorts of poor sportsmanship.  My first encounter with him was at Junior Nationals and unfortunately I continued to “run” into him until I retired from cycling.  For the life of me I can’t understand why anyone would choose him as their coach.  While some of his riders did get some good results, there were several other coaches who could get the job done just as well.  I found it interesting that adults submitted themselves to his antics and behavior, but just plain appalling that parents subjected their children to it.  Even if they thought he was the best coach out there, I can’t believe they would leave their children in his care.  By doing so they were telling their child that they condoned the coach’s behavior.

Part of the importance of sport, and the whole point of my blog, is to utilize sports to teach the fundamentals and building blocks needed to succeed in all areas of life. I think that one of the most important thing sports can instill in your child, is the deep founded belief that more important than winning, is how you play the game.  This lesson, while it may not always put him on top, will ensure that he can always be proud of who he is and what he accomplished.  The coaches you allow to work with your child over the course of his life will play a big part in laying the foundation for his values and morals. A good coach will reinforce positive sportsmanship and values and a bad coach will do just the opposite. 

In an individual sport you have a lot of discretion as to who you choose as your child’s coach.  For team sports that may not always be the case.  If you have an issue with your child’s coach, you may have an opportunity to switch leagues or teams, but if that isn’t an option, you still have a few choices.  Being interactive is the most important part.  Know what is going on at practice and games so you can discuss any situations that arise with your child. Talk with other parents to see if they have had similar experiences with the coach.  At a time when everyone is calm and rational, you can have a discussion with the coach.  You don’t need to attack him or her, just voice your concern.  You can also raise your concerns with the league.  If you don’t have any other options, and you feel very strongly about the affect a coach is having on your child, you can always try a different sport. 

The odds are, while a coach may not be your favorite for one reason or another, he or she isn’t all that bad, but it is important for parents to be aware and involved.

My children’s book, Shawn Sheep The Soccer Star, focuses on teamwork and sportsmanship.  In the book, the soccer coach is an excellent example of an exemplary coach.  The book is a good way to start a discussion with your child about these topics. 

For more information about me or my children’s books, please visit www.erinmirabella.com.

I’m taking next week off for spring break.  Please check back for my next post on April 12th.

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Lacking Motivation

Monday, March 8th, 2010

Sorry, no try this at home section this week.  I couldn’t think of anything good.  If I come up with something, I’ll add it to next week’s post.

This week’s post is a request from a friend whose daughter is tired after school and unmotivated to go to practice.  Although she doesn’t feel like going, she loves it once she gets there.

My friends daughter may be “just a kid,” but we can all totally relate to how she’s feeling.  I can’t even count the number of days that I think I’m going to work out after I put the kids to bed, but instead end up dragging myself to the couch exhausted and way to unmotivated to go into the cold garage and run on the treadmill.  There were days like that during my cycling career as well.  On the days when I was sore and tired, I could come up with 1,000 different reasons to procrastinate doing my workout.  (It always amazed me how urgent cleaning the refrigerator or alphabetizing my DVD’s became, when I was dreading hill repeats.)   I always ended up eventually doing my workout, but that doesn’t mean that I always felt like doing it.

My point is that my friend’s daughter is perfectly normal.  However, as a parent there are a few things to consider. 

Does Your Child Still Like The Activity?   

If the answer is yes, then I offer some tips later in the post that may help motivate her. If the answer is no, then it may be time to look into a new activity, or at least take a break for awhile.  I’m a firm believer in finishing what you start, so it’s alright to insist she finish out the season, or session.  Once she’s completed her obligation let her pick a new activity to try.

Does She Have Too Many Activities?

Kids have long, busy days, and it’s easy for them to feel overloaded and overwhelmed with activities.  Just like adults, kids need down time.  If your child has an activity every day after school, is feeling overwhelmed and starting to dread the stuff she loves, it may be time to lighten her load.

Or,

Maybe she isn’t too busy, but instead she just needs a few minutes to recharge before her activities.  Having a chance to eat a snack and relax for a few minutes might help her feel rejuvenated and ready to practice. 

On the flip side, sometimes once I sit down and relax, I find it’s a lot harder to get going again, especially if I’m being pulled away from my favorite television show.  If that seems to be the case, it might help to leave the television off.  You can always tape her favorite show for her and let her watch it later.

Remind them of their obligation.

In very few situations do our actions just affect us.  Remind your child that she signed on for the entire season or session, and that her team and coach are counting on her.  Ask her what would happen if all of the kids on the team were tired and decided to skip practice?  Ask her, worse yet, what would happen if all the kids showed up, but the coach decided he didn’t feel like it.  This is a great opportunity to help your child see the big picture and talk with her about fulfilling her obligations.

The Reward

Your child may say that she loves the games, but doesn’t want to practice.  Unfortunately, that’s just not how it works.  Explain that the game is the reward, but in order to earn the reward, she has to do the work. Also, she probably wouldn’t like the games as much, or do as well, if she didn’t practice for them.  Whether she’s at school, playing sports, or at home doing chores, there is always going to be something that she likes doing the least, but it still has to get done.  No one wants to pick up the dog poop, but if you want to experience the joy and companionship of a dog, you’ve got to do it.  Likewise, everyone likes sledding down the hill, but you can’t enjoy the fun if you don’t walk up the hill first.

Throughout my ten year cycling career my ultimate goal was the Olympic Games.  Ten years is a long time to stay motivated, and there were times that I struggled.  However, I knew that I’d have to put in the work if I wanted to make the Olympic team. That is why, no matter how much I procrastinated, I always did my workout.  I knew that for every workout I skipped, one of my competitors was doing hers.  For me, the reward was so important, that I was willing to do the work no matter how I felt.

Remind your child that she isn’t alone.  It’s normal to feel unmotivated sometimes.  The real test is whether she’s going to give in to it.  If she likes what she’s doing, it’s worth doing all the way.

For more information about me, or my children’s books, please visit www.erinmirabella.com.

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Someone Is Always Watching

Monday, March 1st, 2010

This At Home……….

Without asking for specifics, as your child to think about a time when they did something that they regretted doing in public.  Have them imagine how much worse it would have been, if it were broadcast for the whole world to see.  If he wants to share the details that’s fine, but respect his privacy. Ask him how his actions affected him and how he thinks they may have affected others. (Family, friends, coach, etc.)

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Even if you’re not famous, someone is always watching.  You never know how your actions, good or bad, will affect those around you.  It could be as simple as your child watching how you react to a driver who cuts you off in traffic, or a stranger watching you help another stranger.  Help your child understand that their actions have consequences and that one moment of carelessness, in some cases, can have huge repercussions. 

With today’s technology, even for the “unknown,’ there really aren’t any private moments in public places.  Help your child understand the these days everyone has a camera, because everyone has a cell phone. His behavior, good or bad, is literally just a keystroke away from being in cyber space for everyone to see. If you are famous, or at least temporarily in the spotlight, it is even more crucial for you to think before you act. 

I was planning to write about seizing the moment, but I just saw a story on Geraldo At Large, on Fox, about all of the athletes gone wild at the Olympic Village, and felt compelled to blog about it.

Every Olympics there is a news story about all of the condoms shipped to the Olympic Village and a story about some athlete who gets a little too out of control. 

This Olympics the spot light is on the American snowboarder, Scotty Lago.  After winning the bronze medal, he went out to celebrate in Vancouver.  Someone shot a picture of him behaving questionably, and after its release on the internet, he volunteered to leave the Olympic Village, presumably with some pressure from the United States Olympic Committee.

The hot topic seems to be whether or not the Olympic Committee overreacted, but I prefer to focus on the lesson.  However, I do feel compelled to say this, when at the Olympics, athletes are representing more than themselves.  It’s natural for athletes to want to blow off steam after four years of preparation, and the huge let down that comes when all the pressure is off after competition.  However, athletes need to remember that while they are at competitions, they represent more than just themselves. They represent their families, sponsors and their country.  So, regardless of whether or not you think what Scotty did is worthy of getting booted from the Olympic Village, you have to take into account how it reflects on the other parties involved.  We know how the Olympic Committee reacted, but I can only imagine how his sponsors and family felt.   For some celebrities, even bad press is a good thing. For others, like Olympians and Tiger Woods, whose image is built on being wholesome and squeaky clean, it has the potential to be damaging.  (I say potential, because sometimes the public is surprisingly forgiving.)

Remind your child that besides having to deal with the consequences of his actions, he also potentially affects others around him, including  family, friends, team and school.  There is nothing wrong with having some fun, but there is also nothing wrong with keeping it under control and acting responsibly.

For younger children, my book, Shawn Sheep The Soccer Star, is a great way to start a discussion about how a person’s, “or sheep’s” behavior can affect those around him.  Please visit www.erinmirabella.com for more information about my children’s books.

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Support Systems

Monday, February 22nd, 2010

Try This At Home………………..

Have your child stack blocks on top of each other in a single column tower, until it tumbles over.  Help her make a mental note of how high the tower got before it fell down. Use small blocks so they tumble pretty easily.  Next, have her build a single column tower, but this time use some blocks to reinforce and support the tower on all sides.  Have her note how much taller she can build it before it tumbles.  Explain that she is like the single column tower. By herself she can accomplish a lot, but she can accomplish even more when she has a good support system in place to build her up and steady her.  Just like with the blocks, she will be able to go even higher and achieve more if she surrounds herself with people who give her honest, unconditional love, support and encouragement.

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Everyone, even introverts, needs a core group of people who they can rely on.   Having a support system is a key component to being successful.  We can all benefit from surrounding ourselves with people who help us to be our best, whether it is someone to bounce ideas off of, to give an encouraging word, or to be brutally honest with you about a situation.  While going it alone may bring some success, often times it limits our potential or can cause us to become stagnant, or worse, out of touch with reality.

Another important reason to surround yourself with a good group of friends and family is because they are the ones who pick you up and hold you when you fall.  When things are going well there are always plenty of people who want to rub shoulders with you and be your friend, but as soon as the tower comes tumbling down they disappear into thin air.  I always say that it takes a crisis to really figure out who your friends are.  It is your family and true friends that are there, win or lose.

In 2004 I placed fourth in the point’s race at the Olympics.  Several days later I was awarded the bronze medal after the third place finisher tested positive for a banned substance. Fourteen months later, I found out from a news article that the decision was being overturned.  The situation was awkward, confusing and due to the International Olympic Committee’s handling of the situation, it was one of the lowest points in my life.  It is at times like those when you find out who has your back.  Obviously my friends and family rallied around me, and many members of the United States Olympic Committee were there to support me, but noticeably absent was any support, help, condolences, or even a phone call from USA Cycling.  I’m the first to admit that I, and certain key officials at USA Cycling, were not on good terms, but I still expected that my National Governing Body would be there for me.  Nope, and there was no point in my career that more clearly defined my theory, that it takes a crisis to find out who’ll be there for you.  As a bronze medalist, USA Cycling at least feigned support for me, but as soon as my tower crumbled they were no where to be found.

Besides the friends and family who rallied around me in my time of need, I had one other huge thing in my life to rely on, my faith.  And, quite frankly, without my faith I know I couldn’t have handled the situation with nearly as much grace. 

Be there for your child unconditionally in what ever sport or activity she chooses.   Show her how to be a good family member and friend by setting a good example; be loving, supportive, and honest when you need to be.  Without being too pushy, help her see which of her friends are good friends and which are just acquaintances.   Encourage her to be there for her family and friends as well.

For more information about my cycling career, the Olympic medal situation, and my children’s books, please visit www.erinmirabella.com.

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Teaching Honesty & Integrity vs. Winning At All Cost

Monday, October 19th, 2009

Try This At Home……

(I know the description of the game below is long, but the actual game is short, so just stay with me. It’s worth it, I promise. Your kids will really get it.)

You will need: a timer, plate, small bowl, teaspoon, 15 Cheerios, square of baker’s chocolate, three squares of baker’s chocolate and one piece of regular chocolate.

Hide the regular chocolate out of sight, and don’t let on that the baker’s chocolate doesn’t taste good.

Put fifteen Cheerios into the small bowl. Place the bowl and an empty plate in front of your child. Tell them that this is a new game and you want to play it with them. Make sure when you are explaining what to do, that you tell them, “these are the rules.” Using their fingers, they have to pick the Cheerios up out of the bowl one at a time and place them on the plate. They may hold the bowl if they like. If they can move all fifteen Cheerios in ten seconds, then they get a piece of chocolate. Show them the one square of baker’s chocolate. Have them go ahead and play. Don’t tell them this, but they will lose; it’s impossible. Afterward, tell them they did a good job and that they can do it again, but that this time, you’ll make it a little easier. Tell them, “These are the new rules.” They can now use a teaspoon to scoop the fifteen Cheerios out of the bowl and onto the plate. If they can do it in less than ten seconds, then they can have the square of chocolate. (The baker’s chocolate.) If they move the Cheerios really, really fast, in less than three seconds, then they can have the three squares of chocolate. (The baker’s chocolate.) Set the timer and just as you’re about the start say, “You know what? It’s against the rules, but if you want to just dump the bowl of Cheerios out onto the plate, I won’t tell anyone. It will definitely take less than three seconds if you do it that way.” Then set the timer and say go.

If they use the spoon and do it in less than ten seconds, swap out the one square of baker’s chocolate with the real chocolate and then go on to explain the game to them. (See below.) * If they don’t do it in ten seconds, have them try again. With a little practice they should be able too. If they are very young and still not good with a spoon allow them fifteen seconds.

If they dump the bowl onto the plate, give them the three squares of bitter chocolate, let them take a bite, and then explain the game to them. (See below.) They will obviously not like the chocolate.

Here’s what the game is about.

If they used the spoon and won the real chocolate, tell them the following: The first time they played the game using only their fingers, they didn’t accomplish their goal. Sometimes that happens in life. Instead of giving up, they had found another tool, allowed by the rules, which helped them to do the task better. Using that tool, the spoon, they were able to get the cheerios onto the plate in ten seconds and win the chocolate. In real life, as they hone their talents and practice, they will gain tools that help them reach their goals too. Since they didn’t dump the bowl, congratulate them on following the rules and not being tempted to cheat. If they haven’t already, have them eat the yummy, regular chocolate. Tell them that the chocolate is sweet, like their success when they win with honesty and integrity. (If you need to, explain what those two things are.) Next, let them taste the square of bitter chocolate. Explain that if they had chosen to bend the rules and cheat, they would still have reached their goal and won the prize, but that because they cheated to win, the victory wouldn’t have been sweet. It would have been a bitter victory, just like the baker’s chocolate. Even if they had gotten away with it, they would still know, deep down, that they hadn’t earned their prize with integrity and honesty. Tell them, that just like you did, sometimes people will encourage them to bend the rules or compromise their morals, and they need to stand their ground. It’s better to lose and play fair, than to cheat and win. After cheating, the win is always bitter.

If they dumped the bowl onto the plate, tell them the following: Let them take a bite of the baker’s chocolate. Explain that by not following the rules and dumping the bowl instead of using the spoon, they had cheated. They had reached the goal and won the prize, but because they cheated, the victory wasn’t sweet, it was bitter. Just like the baker’s chocolate. It was nothing to be proud of. Even if they had gotten away with it, they would still know, deep down, that they hadn’t earned their prize with integrity and honesty. (If you need to, explain what those two things are.) Tell them, that just like you did, sometimes people will encourage them to bend the rules or compromise their morals, and they need to stand their ground. It’s better to lose and play fair, than to cheat and win. After cheating, the win is always bitter. Then explain that the first time they played the game, with just their fingers, they hadn’t accomplished their goal. Sometimes that happens in life. Instead of giving up, they had found another tool, allowed by the rules, which helped them do the task better. Had they used that tool, the spoon, they would have been able to get the cheerios onto the plate in ten seconds and would have won the real chocolate. In real life, as they hone their talents and practice, they will gain tools that help them reach their goals too. Remind them next time, to choose to play with honesty and integrity, so that they can have a victory to be proud of; a victory as sweet as the real chocolate.

According to dictionary.com

Honesty is: noun, plural -ties.

1. the quality or fact of being honest; uprightness and fairness.

2. truthfulness, sincerity, or frankness.

3. freedom from deceit or fraud.

Integrity is: noun

1. adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty.

2. the state of being whole, entire, or undiminished: to preserve the integrity of the empire.

3. a sound, unimpaired, or perfect condition: the integrity of a ship’s hull.

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Back while I was still racing, I remember chatting to the guy next to me on an airplane. The topic of doping in sports came up. A few minutes into the conversation, he told me that he didn’t see what was wrong with using drugs in sport, if that is what it took to win. I felt like I’d been slapped in the face. I couldn’t believe, that even if he felt that way, he was willing to say it out loud.

He’s the first person I remember telling me that, but he certainly wasn’t the last. Over and over, I’ve heard all sorts of celebrities and regular folks talk about winning at all cost, doing whatever it takes and that the end justifies the means. I just don’t get it. Could they really hold a gold medal in their hands, acquire a new asset in business or accept a higher position and feel proud if they had cheated and compromised their morals to get it? Sadly, for some, the answer is probably yes. They obviously have justified it to themselves. For other’s, the answer is no, they wouldn’t feel proud, but that still doesn’t always stop them from accepting the prize. I just don’t get how they can look at themselves in the mirror and not blush with embarrassment.

I don’t want my children to learn that winning at all cost, is winning. I want my children to know that how they win, is just as important as winning. Winning isn’t about a medal, money, new job, or fame. Our worldly obsession with the end result has made us lose sight of what winning really represents: hard work, sweat equity, integrity, honesty, respect for ourselves and others and the amazing high and sense of accomplishment you feel when you reach the goal that you’ve worked so hard for. The rest is just a bonus.

At the 2004 Olympic Games, I raced the best points race of my life and I crossed the finish line in fourth place. I was ecstatic, and then I realized I’d just taken fourth at the Olympics. GRRRRRRRR. Some say that fourth is the worst place to take at the Olympics, but I can tell them from experience, that 13th feels much worse. I’d gone to the Olympics wanting to, win or lose, be able to say that I’d raced my best. I had accomplished that. Several days later, I found out that the bronze medallist had tested positive for a banned substance and that the bronze medal was going to be awarded to me. I was elated, but I have to admit I felt a little cheated that I hadn’t been able to participate in the awards ceremony. I ended up having a very special ceremony back in the states and had a great time being the bronze medallist. Then, fourteen months later, I got some devastating news. There had been several appeals and the Court of Arbitration of Sport had decided to overturn their decision. I had no previous knowledge of any appeal and had no clue that this was coming. The United States Olympic Committee didn’t even know about it. We were completely blindsided. I went through every range of emotion: denial, anger, embarrassment, depression, bewilderment, etc. Everyone wanted to know what I thought and what I wanted to do. The United States Olympic Committee hired an attorney for me to speak with. At first, I was praying that it was just a bad dream and that I’d wake up and it would all be over. After a day or so, I found myself paying that God would just let what ever was right happen. I decided to send the medal back and this is why. If she hadn’t cheated, then she had earned the medal and it belonged to her. I had always been proud of my fourth place performance and being awarded the bronze medal hadn’t changed that. I didn’t really see the point of fighting it anyway. Even if I got to keep the medal, it would never feel the same; it would always be tainted. I’d always wonder if it were supposed to be hanging around someone else’s neck. Mailing back that medal was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but I am completely at peace with it. I know I did the right thing. There are more important things than a medal, even an Olympic one. Now as a mom, I understand that even more.

Ask your child what they would have done in my situation?

Thanks for tuning in to my blog again this week. Please keep spreading the word. For more information about me, or my children’s books, please visit my website, www.erinmirabella.com. You can now follow me on twitter and receive a reminder email every Monday about my new blog post.

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